i'm scared

this is the first time in my life that i'm so scare about what i'm going through.
this is the first time in my internship i feel soulless before i get in to the department.
i'm scared to death about everything that i know for sure i'm not capable of which is i'm going to face in this department.
i'm not capable to studying for hours in a day
i'm not capable to studying permanently for nine weeks
i'm not capable to follow the process because i don't think i have enough basic science in my head. i even have no basic at all in my head.
when i finally has to admit that "the day" is finally came, i was just loosing my soul.
i do anything slowly and hoping that the time will pass as slow as what i'm doing, which is an impossible things to happen.
i'm on my denial time, i'm on my depressing time.
open the book for days but not even read it.
instead of studying i prefer watch movie, do bones marathon or even just laying on my bed.
i don't know how long i can keep my lunatic inside.
i'm scared, i'm depressing, i'm having my multiple identity issue, i'm lost, i'm drowning,i can't breath, i feel like someone buried me alive.it's too stressful even before i'm in it.
this is too much, being in this departement on my clerkship is too much.
i don't know how it's going to be end up.
am i going to finally officially find out by public as a crazy one?
am i going to jump up from my bedroom window or fifth floor of the hospital?
or am i going to be able to deal with it?
i don't know how it will be end, but one thing for sure i'm soulless now.
i'm scared about how it going to be
i'm scared about how i'm going to be
i'm scared that people finally find me crazy or jump out the window for suicide
that is too much to handle and
i'm scared to death...